This post in MayMay’s journal got me thinking about some of the things I don’t like about primarily heterosexual scene spaces. In particular, it made me want to tell the following story. Some variation on this has happened to me numerous times, and I continue to find it equal parts annoying, amusing, and incomprehensible.
I usually go to scene events alone. I’m almost always single, and although I can be quite shy I can usually find someone nice to talk to, if not to play with. However, almost once during every evening I have gone to Paddles the following scenario has happened: I will be standing chatting with a man, often one I have just met, when another man will come up and ask my conversational companion if I will top him.
Lets examine the problem here. Doing this requires such an absurdly confused set of assumptions that I do not understand how it has happened once, let alone the many times it has actually occurred.
- Assumption 1: A woman is talking to a man, therefore she must belong to him.
By making this assumption you are giving me a good hint that I will not like you. I am somewhat willing to concede that in this environment there are men who would get offended if you did not make this assumption about their relationship to the women they are talking to, but I think those men are assholes. Nonetheless, there is an additional problem with this assumption, and that is its relationship to Assumption 2.
- Assumption 2: A woman who has given a man control over her decisions is going to want to top you.
That one just doesn’t make any sense. You can’t have it both ways. While there are submissive tops, they are not so common that it is remotely logical to approach someone as though they are both at once.
For the record, if you really want to know if I am with the person I am talking to in a way that precludes my interacting with you, you should ask one of us that. I, personally, think it’s far ruder to make the assumption than to treat a person as an individual, but… l’autre temps l’autre mores. One must make allowances for local custom.
That having been said, talking around me instead of to me, in the absence of a very clear indication that I am serving in the role of someone’s property, makes me rude. In general, I’m a very polite girl. If you ask me to play, nicely, I’ll say yes or no, nicely. I’m not going to be offended if you’re interested in doing something I don’t want to do. I only find it annoying when, as I’ve mentioned, someone talks around me instead of to me or is unable to take a polite no. Hell, sometimes I’ll apologize for saying no when I’ve been talking to someone I find delightful, but don’t feel there’s any kinky overlap. This mostly has been an issue with other submissives, since that is the group with whom I am least likely to be able to come up with any sort of public play activity that we’re going to both want to do. If I like a toppish sort as a human being, I can almost always find some mutually agreeable physical interaction, but normally if I’m doing something that appears toppy/dominant in public it’s because I’m doing it to please someone I love. For example, I’ll agree to let my dear friend G. lace me into my boots because it makes him really happy, and we’ve been friends for over a decade, but it’s not something I’m going to do casually with someone I just met because, most of the time, power dynamics with me on the dominant side make me profoundly uncomfortable. I do switch, as I mentioned in my last post, but I have to be either inspired or desperately desirous to jump the other person involved. Usually both.
The other thing that Maymay’s post made me want to talk about was the question that I asked in my response. “Why do certain types of dominant men think that any single submissive woman will be grateful for any drop of their attention?” To a certain extent, I think the answer may have to do with self esteem. I know a non trivial number of submissives who have, or have had, relatively low self esteem. They don’t think they’re beautiful enough, or interesting enough, or whatever enough to attract the people they want, and so they can sometimes be insanely grateful for any form of attention that seems like what they’re craving - even if it’s from someone who in any other situation they would see as being something of a jerk. So, these men have gotten that reaction the past, and successfully taken advantage of it, which feeds their egos and their belief that this is the Right And Proper Way to Be. Combine that with an endlessly renewing supply of young, wide-eyed submissives who want to give themselves to someone so very much, and who think that these morons are the only way to do it, because the good tops and dominants are too polite to be pushy, and you create the nucleus of a serious and self sustaining problem.
I could have been one of them. Fortunately, even though my self image was through the floor for most of my young adulthood, I was lucky. I may have thought I was ugly and unloveable, and walked around with a giant “fresh meat” sign blinking behind me for all the world to see, but I was smart enough, savvy enough, and strong enough to never be taken advantage of. It helped that I had safe places to get my urge for a good beating out, and that I was well read and empowered by my upbringing. It also, probably, helped that I very clearly stated that any and all sexual contact was off limits in scene situations, which probably made me uninteresting to the worst of the potential predators. (I should stop and say here that the vast majority of the people I have met in the scene, dominant and submissive, straight and gay, men and women, have been wonderful people. In my 12 years in the scene I have rarely felt unsafe in a public space. However, I’m cautious enough that I have always known better than to play in a private space with someone I didn’t know well, or consider an acceptable risk. There are people I know who have not been so smart, or so lucky.)
These days, when some dominant male approaches me in a way that suggests he thinks I should be grateful to bask in his graces for even a moment I laugh it off… and then I usually keep half an eye out for who else he is cornering in case they’re someone who doesn’t know how to get away.
Finally, a brief thought on my methods of getting to play, in which I present myself as a Very Silly Girl whose example should almost certainly not be followed by others. When I see someone interesting I want to casually bottom to (either because they’re pretty, nice, smart, or have some Exciting Technical Skill), it’s not usually that difficult for me to go up to them and make the request. (”Hi! You’re pretty! Do you want to play?” “Wow, that was really neat, if at some point you might be interested in trying that on me would you let me know?” “I like you, if you ever want to do painful things together, just ask!”) If someone asks to top me, they seem nice, and I’m even remotely in the mood I’ll probably say yes. The one exception is if I’m fixating on someone else. (If I have gotten it into my head that I really want to play with person X, it doesn’t matter how interesting person Y is… it can be very hard for me to refocus.)
And, on the reverse side, my tried and true method for not getting to play. The only time I’m really reluctant to ask someone to play is if my interest extends beyond a simple casual scene. The second I start to develop even the tiniest crush on someone I usually utterly lose my ability to bluntly approach them and express my appreciation for their shininess. I do recognize the irony in this. I suppose it’s because I have nothing invested in casual play except fun, but if I get rejected by someone I’m actually interested in it might hurt… and not in the fun bruise-y way. I have to admit, I did that this weekend. Several times this weekend I found myself almost saying to someone, “Just so you know, I am flirting with you,” and chickening out. It made me roll my eyes at myself repeatedly, because there were Perfect Conversational Openings and I was letting them slide by. Sometimes I am just an enormous dork.
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