Secret Confessions of a Smart Girl

Sometimes words are limits.

They can sting like barbs or sit like lead weights upon the tongue - foul and heavy.

They can stick to the weakened places in your soul and burn like acid or lodge in the back of your throat like bile.

Words can hurt, and words can be too difficult to say.

Growing up, I had a hard time with my peers. I was too different, too smart, to unwilling to conform, and because of these things I suffered a lot of verbal abuse. I suspect that there are things that could be said to me in scene that I would find it difficult to forgive, because they would remind me too much of being powerless … and I am not powerless anymore. They have not come up, and I will not say them here, but everyone has their buttons that should not be pressed.

Other words, which I could take as demeaning, I instead use to empower my sexuality. “Slut” “Cunt” “Pervert” “Toy” are all terms that I take, at least in the right context, as endearment and encouragement. If I want to be someone’s whore, I can hardly take them calling me one as an insult. The things no one should say to me are not things I ever wish to be.

Then there are the other words, the words that people want to hear that you never thought would pass willingly from your lips. The words that roll your eyes, turn your stomach, and taste like knives in your imagination. The ones that come out as spit and venom in your stories and are inconceivable in your life. The ones you tell yourself you will never say, until the day they’re offered to you as a choice and you discover it’s one you actually want to make.

They’re still heavy, they still hurt to say, they still stick in your throat and make you gag, but suddenly it’s in a way that makes you heat with passion instead of anger. When you choke on them, and gasp for air, it’s more like having a cock down your throat than a finger, and the discomfort you feel in your head and chest is the kind that doesn’t make you go… it makes you come.

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And, with that, I will climb off the hyperbole wagon and admit that it’s excruciatingly difficult to talk about the things that you’re not willing to say.