Secret Confessions of a Smart Girl

A few weeks ago I was at a play party where I was really looking forward to watching my girlfriend have some extremely hot sex with someone else. Unfortunately, when I walked into the room where she was planning to have her scene, I had to  leave. Why? Because a friend of mine was going down on another man to whom I know he is not fluid bonded.

Later, when my girlfriend asked why I’d left, I told her, “I just can not sit by and watch people have unsafe sex. I was watching L go down on M without a condom and they barely know each other.”

“Well most people don’t think that’s unsafe sex,” she said.

“It’s nice that they think that,” I responded, “but they’re wrong.”

Oral sex is not safe sex. Yes, it can’t get you pregnant and it is a relatively low risk activity for the transmission of HIV, but it’s a great way to contract or spread numerous other diseases including syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and herpes. It may also be associated with throat cancer, by the verging on ubiquitous virus HPV.

Most of those are treatable, although quite often they aren’t treated as they often go unnoticed for months or years.  Some scientists firmly believe that oral sex is one of the reasons that syphilis is on the rise in men who have sex with men, since the painless sores that develop in the disease’s early stages are often easy to miss in the dark caverns of the mouth.

And then there’s herpes. I’m the first person to say that the level of social stigmatization that exists around the herpes virus is vastly overinflated - it’s not a disease that’s going to kill anyone (other than possibly a newborn) , but that doesn’t mean it can’t make someone’s life a living hell.

One of my friends was recently diagnosed with a severe genital herpes infection that she’s relatively certain she contracted from oral sex - quite possibly at a play party.  Yes, those cold sores that people are so cavalier about can cause the dreaded genital disease that can get them shunned. (As a sex educator you’d be amazed how often I hear some variation on, “my boyfriend had oral herpes, but how could I have ended up with GENITAL HERPES?!?!?! THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER!!!)  Even those people who never have symptoms are capable of spreading the disease - which is what almost certainly happened in this case. Unfortunately, although most people who end up with genital herpes infections never know they’ve been infected unless they get a blood test, my friend wasn’t one of the lucky ones. Not only is she experiencing frequent, recurrent, painful outbreaks, but all of her sexual partners have dumped her… and some of them who should know better are avoiding touching her at all. They’re treating her like typhoid mary. It’s insane.

Herpes should not make anyone a pariah. On the other hand, it’s not something you particularly want to get since, even in the absence of severe outbreaks, if you’re responsible about informing your partners about your infection it can have serious repercussions for your love life. Although the disease is extremely common, most infected people don’t know they have it, and the level of societal judgement is extraordinary.

Which leads us back to my walking out of the room. I know that the sexual network in which the unprotected oral sex was occurring has more than one source of herpes (and for that matter more than one source of HPV), since because of my job people talk to me whenever they are diagnosed. I know that using barriers for oral sex is a great way to reduce (although not eliminate) the risk of these and other STDs bein spread orally. I know that the people involved are smart enough to know better,  but suspect that they can’t be bothered to do the research because they don’t want to have to care. Oral sex isn’t as much fun with barriers, and most people would rather be uninformed about the risk than feel like they need to do something about it.

So… I get frustrated. I get frustrated by people’s willful ignorance. I get frustrated by the fact that people would rather put themselves at risk that be safe. I get frustrated by the fact that some people don’t see the need to be extra responsible when they have multiple sexual partners.  I get frustrated by the fact that people will have unsafe oral sex with people who have never been tested for herpes , but not protected sex with someone who has tested positive and is being responsible about their behavior. And I get frustrated by the fact that if I bring this stuff up yet again people are going to treat me like a hardass and a buzzkill and someone who is not worth their time, because I make things less fun.

Which is why I walked out of the room and will continue to do so. It’s not my job to manage other people’s risk, but I’m going to be damned if I’m going to stand by and watch when they refuse to do so.

For the record?  I’ve slept with individuals who have tested positive for genital herpes and I would do so again.  I’ve also slept with partners of individuals who have tested positive for genital herpes.  I use barriers neurotically and though I recognize that I am still taking something of a risk it’s an educated one and I’m fine with that.  A herpes diagnosis is not going to keep me away from someone who I really like and am attracted to until or unless I end up pregnant.
Some links on the risks of oral sex:

Go Ask Alice

SexEtc

Sexually Transmitted Diseases @ About.com

UCSB SexInfoOnline