Secret Confessions of a Smart Girl

I live life with a commentary track. It’s pretty much the opposite of being in the moment. I’m almost never in the moment - I’m usually reserving some portion of my brain to pay attention to what I’m doing instead of just doing it. I noticed this yesterday, at an audition, and once I started noticing it it just got worse and worse. When I’m acting, I tend to think of it as being “meta” - noticing how I’m playing a character and consciously adjusting it instead of just doing it. I’m much better when I just do it - jump fearlessly into someone else’s body with both feet - but sometimes it’s hard to turn the narration off. There are days when it’s harder to be fearless.

One of the things I like about kinky sex is its ability to overwhelm my capability for observation. I have more fun when I can turn off my brain too, it’s not just a reign for talent. Sometimes I think it’s as though the gestalt me has only so much energy to go around - it can fuel my body and my soul or my mind… but not necessarily all at once. It’s not so much that turning my brain on turns my body off, but the second I start running in that parallel track too something goes away. It’s as though by noticing what’s going on I lose the ability to fully experience it. Which is a more accurate summation of the issue… I don’t need to turn off my brain, I just need to keep it focused on one thing at a time.

I think this may be at the root of why I sometimes have difficulty having orgasms with other people. I start thinking about it too much. Mind you, this sometimes happens when I’m trying to have orgasms with myself too, but I have a field-tested remedy for that problem. There are certain pieces of erotic literature that are pretty much guaranteed to get me off. It doesn’t matter how many times I read them, I fall into the story and the sex and *boom.* I stop thinking about anything else and all of a sudden it becomes easy.

I love the times when I’m with someone and all of a sudden everything collapses into the present. It’s exhilarating talking, arguing, listening, snuggling, fucking, dancing, fighting, anything when that’s the only thing going on into your brain. I tend to remember those moments a long time. Even when there’s nothing sexual going on, the feeling of connection - to another person, to the moment - gives a similar sort of thrill. I experience the same kind of excitement, sometimes, when I’m making music with a group and everything snaps into place. Time flies when you are the harmony, the conversation, the dance, the sex, the moment… and then it passes and everything is fragmented again and demanding of comment.

Kink makes it easier to find those times. When the pain moves from excruciating to exquisite. When your brain stops thinking that it wants to give in and just does it. When your focus moves two feet to the left, or into the next room, or wherever it’s supposed to be that is entirely outside yourself. To an extent it has to do with intensity, but not entirely. It’s slightly circular logic, but kink works for me when it demands my ability to be present, and because it demands my ability to be present. That’s why I fantasize about the things I fantasize about:

A slap across the face
Teeth locked on my shoulder
Hands holding me down
Knife to my throat
Whip cutting my skin

They are things that are impossible to ignore. They are things you live instead of thinking about, because you can’t afford to be distracted. They are things that tie you to the moment… nothing meta about them at all.