That Time of the Month
I’m beginning to really hate this time of the month. The 1-2 weeks a month when my hormones go so crazy that I think “If the right person asked me, I would load the dog in the car and drive 5 hours to have them beat the snot out of me and then fuck me silly.”
Do you know what I have been doing this afternoon?
Not writing for work. Nope. I’ve been doing push-ups, handstands, and teasers (Pilates) . I have been trying to take out my ridiculous levels of sexual frustration in physical exercise. You’d think I could just go review sex toys or masturbate or something, but I don’t want orgasms. I mean, I don’t not want them, but I want violence and connection and skin and teeth and control more.
I want to be wanted so much it hurts. Literally.
I want someone to want to get their hands on me so badly that we’ve barely closed the door before they shove me against the wall, or push me to my knees, or slap me across the face.
I want to be manhandled and used, hurt and desired.
I want to be someone’s outlet for their sexuality, their sadism, and their assumptions.
This is the time of the month when I’m almost stupid with longing for something I just do not have in my life and it makes me want to scream. Instead, however, I do push-ups and handstands and teasers. I write porn and read personal ads and manage not to punch the wall. I stretch and growl and dream. I get nothing done that isn’t so urgent it can’t be postponed, because all I can think of is being thrown up against the wall, being beaten, or being fucked. Preferably all three.
At least all this frustration is great for my biceps. I’ve done at least 30 push-ups since I started writing this post. Not to mention 2 handstands. I know how unattractive desperation is, so I’m going to try and restrain the desire to say “Will you please take me somewhere and hurt me and fuck me and make me scream,” to the next appropriate person who crosses my radar, but it’s going to be damn hard. As will keeping myself from using my newly powerful arms to rip off their clothing and throw them on the nearest bed.
Which reminds me… Can anyone teach me how to resolve wanting so much with also being very much a bottom/submissive? I often feel like I’m imposing when I want to ravish someone. Especially since when I’m at my most sexually aggressive I usually really want the person I’m attacking to fight back and win. “I attack to try and get you to take what you want,” generally feels not only counterintuitive but actively counterproductive. But, goodness, how I want. I want to bite and nibble and lick, to touch and tease and taste until they start to want me back enough to hurt me, enough to take me.
Time for more push-ups.
This entry was posted on Thursday, January 24th, 2008 at 7:51 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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on January 24th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
It’s hard to aggressively want to submit.
I don’t know how to deal with it myself. There are times when I’m more desperate than normal and can’t really handle it. Those are the times I’m most tempted to go to a pro. Thankfully it hasn’t happened yet.
Like you, I do tent to work out more when I’m feeling that way.
on January 25th, 2008 at 9:44 am
There are so many times I take my marriage for granted. I top, he bottoms and that is life. And then I read a post like this and realize how fortunate we are to have found each other.
So thank you for this post and I hope that you find what you are looking for.
on January 26th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Gah, yes, this is familiar. I’m lucky enough to have a partner, but it still doesn’t mean he’s always in tune with me, and unfortunately my monthly horn overload seems to coincide with him having other things on his mind.
The problem of needing to be dominated while not wanting to initiate it is one I struggle with. I can seduce from the bottom if I’m in my right mind, but if my whole body is screaming for it, I’m just a twitching, snarling ball of need, which isn’t that attractive.
I’ll try the working out method next time it happens. Maybe the pheromones will do my work for me.
on July 18th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
“I attack to try and get you to take what you want,” generally feels not only counterintuitive but actively counterproductive.
It may seem that way on the surface, but I know at least one other person who does this (and succeeded in getting me to top him, of all things!) Actually we joked a lot about it at one point because he said something which made me think immediately of that classic joke: “The beatings will continue until morale improves.” Or, in this case, he would keep slapping me until I started taking control LOL.
on July 18th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
I have that shirt!