Secret Confessions of a Smart Girl

This afternoon I went on a date with a guy who, for all intents and purposes, seems to be vanilla, although I have so little data I could easily be wrong. I always feel odd going out with people who I know through non-kinky, non-poly, non-queer connections. It’s not so much that I feel I need to restrain myself (I did mention to him that I write for a naked people site and a gay men’s fitness site, and that my other main line of work is sex education) but that I wonder how much effort I should be making to be out how early. On a first date, clearly it’s not necessary to get into these things, but when does it become appropriate? More importantly, at what point does having not mentioned the fact that your primary sexual identity is kinky become an act of dishonesty? I’ve talked about this a bit before

In a way, it’s so much easier to date the men and women I’ve met in kink settings. A lot of the potential land mines are already out there in the open. However, although my primary sexual identity is kinky, kink alone is not enough to make me want to date someone. There is, after all, only so much time you can spend in the bedroom or the dungeon. Unfortunately, I don’t meet many kinky people who I’d actually like to date, instead of just play with, and most of those who fit that description have been either not available or not interested. Which is, as the saying goes, life. The outcome, however, is that if I restrict myself to my kinky circles I just don’t date a lot.

I have lately been seriously feeling the divide between my sex drive and my sexual issues. I don’t have sex casually. I just can’t, it’s not in my nature. I can play at the drop of a flogger, but for sex… I’m extraordinarily picky and in non-intuitively obvious ways. (There are, for example, lots of people who I’m madly attracted to and like quite a bit who I would never fuck. Strange but true.) Which sucks for me because DEAR LORD am I horny most of the time. If I had a local partner who I was sleeping with they’d probably have to chain me to my bed and run away to keep me off of them. And that makes me distracted on dates by the most ridiculous things. Today for instance - sexy voice and good hands. I’m a sucker for a good speaking voice, always have been, but it was the hands that kept getting to me.

I’m sitting across from this guy I’ve just met an hour earlier (is it a good sign that we talked for two hours?) staring at his hands thinking thoughts like…

“What strong hands he has. I bet he could hurt me beautifully.”
“What would those feel like fisted in my hair?”
“I wish he’d just grab my wrists and…”
“Why am I imagining him fucking me with his hands? I should be dating more women. Oh, he’s talking again, I should listen to the words instead of the voice because I think he’s actually saying something pretty interesting. Look! A monkey!”

Damn hormones. They’re murder on my focus. At least this date I didn’t spend the whole time focused on his lips like I used to do when I was dating Cute Librarian Girl. I’m so glad she was willing to make out in Washington Square Park. This is why I can not be allowed to have casual sex. Given permission to jump someone, I will want to do so at every possible opportunity - appropriate or not. And then, underlying every conversation there will be a little argument going on in my head “Can I jump her now?” “Not yet, you’re talking.” “Now?” “Shut up, you don’t have to be thinking about sex all the time.” “But she’s so pretty and I wanna see her naked.” “Would you go take a cold shower already?” “I bet she tastes like cookies.” Alternatively, maybe what I need is to date someone who has exactly the same urge to drag me into back alleys for heavy petting just because we’re walking down the street and the wind is blowing past with the scent of cupcakes. It’s not an absolutely impossible dream…

You know, my (extremely kinky) ex used to wear vanilla as his scent of choice…

Oh, to hell with it. I think I need to go review some sex toys.