Secret Confessions of a Smart Girl

This week has been extraordinarily strange for me. I’ve felt a really unpleasant conversation of extremely horny and utterly asexual. My snuggle-drive has been high, my interest in pain has gone ridiculously unchecked, my contextual arousal has been through the roof, and yet… my actual body has checked out.

I have no idea what is going on. I suppose it could be the change in my thyroid meds. It’s not inconceivable. When I think about it, my body has been slightly weird in this area for a couple of weeks. On one hand it’s been all writhy and insistent, and on the other hand it absolutely refuses to be compliant with the standard stimuli. The only really good thing about it is that the weird psychological remnants of my libido, in the absence of much visceral physical desire for nookie, have been easily satiated. Apparently my body has decided that for the moment orgasms are completely out of the picture, and so doesn’t really care one way or the other if it has them. It gets all worked up and then just works itself back down.

I was lying in bed with someone a little while ago, someone with whom sex is not out of the question , when I woke up extremely horny. They were asleep, and all I could think of for the hour or so until I managed to relapse into unconsciousness was “the desire to perform oral sex on a sleeping person is wrong. It is not nice to want to wake people up just to give them an orgasm so that YOU can fall back to sleep. “

I assume this will pass, and hope that it’s not actually medication dose related because other than this I am far happier with my current medication levels than I was with my old ones. It could, certainly, also be psychological.

When I was younger, I felt like I was far too easily aroused. I turned on incredibly easily, and got off with almost no stimulation at all. It seemed, to my teenage self, like there was something wrong with that, and so I trained myself out of it. Still, I remember that with my first sexual partner I was multi-orgasmic. That hasn’t been true in recent memory, but I’m not exactly certain when it disappeared. Not that I don’t really enjoy sex, I just generally do so without orgasms. At this point, when they happen when I’m in bed with someone else it’s sort of a pleasantly unexpected surprise rather than something I really think is going to occur. Still, up until very very recently, I’ve had no problem giving them to myself. The past week, however… nothing. I go to bed all turned on from a very enticing conversation, try to masturbate, and my body goes all “get your hands off me, bitch!” I basically feel like arousing thoughts are getting far enough to send a shiver through my gut, but then getting stuck and shooting out my belly button instead of continuing their descent to someplace where they would actually do some good. It’s really quite frustrating.

I suspect things will improve as I work through some aggravatingly unresolved emotional conflict. I’ve actually been getting a lot of positive attention lately, which has been a nice change for me and has made it nearly impossible to feel unattractive or unlovable, despite the fact that my brain keeps trying to do so. Huh. Saying that, I have Had A Realization. This might just be my body trying really hard to have a depressive episode when its hormone makeup has been adjusted in a way to make achieving that goal much harder. In which case “go drugs!” but next time tell me when you’re going to improve my life in a non-obvious way that requires some serious analysis.